Are You Prescribing or Supporting?
The power of meeting people where they are and walking with them where they want to be
Photo by Norbert Hentges on Unsplash
Putting the “help” in “unhelpful”
Most of us want to help.
We don’t like watching people struggle, and we love feeling like our experience is useful to others. Sometimes we become so eager to help, however, we miss the issue at hand.
In the chances we are given to help others, we face the subtle choice between prescribing behaviors and providing true support. It can feel like a subtle difference from our side, but the difference for those we seek to help is enormous.
There are many common pitfalls we can avoid to deliver the aid we intend.
Dismissive Positivity
Examples
You should look on the brightside
Everything happens for a reason
You should smile more
I’m sure things will get better
Even if we firmly believe these statements, the receiving end tends to hear one of two things:
I don’t want to talk about this anymore
I’m not comfortable with your discomfort, can you make me feel better?
It may be that we are too tired to help address someone else’s problems, or we feel out of our depth with the issue at hand, so we retreat to known platitudes and hope they will help.
These statements are rarely made with malice, but they all have the potential to be dismissive.
Generally speaking, if our advice has been stitched into a throw-pillow, it is likely not as supportive in complex situations as we would like.
In the best cases, we give this kind of advice to someone who trusts us and understands we may not be in a place to help yet.
In worse cases, we inadvertently pressure the would-be mentee to reassure us that we have been helpful, and delay processing the issue.
In the worst cases, we can damage our relationships by coming across too dismissive and appearing not to have the best interests of the recipient at heart. Even worse, it can seem we are invalidating the whole issue, like the concern does not warrant an earnest response.
Providing Obvious “Solutions”
Examples
Well, you should just talk to them
Have you tried addressing this directly?
Just spend some dedicated time/effort on it
I don’t think that’s a big concern, just let it go
This generic advice can be as helpful as telling someone with depression they should think about happy things. If the solution was so accessible, the problem probably would not be brought up.
Like most advice, we usually offer obvious solutions with good intentions. On the receiving end, however, if the person is not seeking a solution they will not feel heard. If they are looking for a solution, they have likely thought of obvious solutions and see another obstacle in the way.
Implying there is a quick fix may come across as shaming, as if the solution should already have been delivered or the person is not quite smart enough to come up with the answer. If the shame is not internalized, it can breed resentment instead.
Finding Our Solution (rather than Theirs) / One Size Fits All
Example:
I would just do X in your shoes
One time I was in a similar situation, here’s the story…
Sharing our experiences is cathartic. It is also one of the most powerful tools available to humans - to communicate what we’ve learned, gather knowledge as a community, and pass it down through generations.
Unfortunately, we also become so wrapped up in our own experiences, we make an unhelpful assumption that our path is universal.
Taking a one-size-fits-all approach to someone else’s problems is a quick path to making them feel unseen and discounted. Not only does any given situation likely have some nuance that would make a generic solution feel like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit, there’s a chance that we are solving the wrong problem entirely.
We may be solving the problem how we would do it, or how we think it “should” be done.
For example, consider entrepreneurship. There are thousands of ways to be an entrepreneur - far beyond the types of companies that make the headlines. Some entrepreneurs would like to be the next Jack Dorsey or Elon Musk, others want the freedom to create ideas on their own terms, others want a sustainable life for themselves, etc. Telling someone who wants to run a lifestyle company that they should raise as much venture capital money as possible will inevitably backfire - the entrepreneur may feel pressured into a structure they do not want in the first place, or they will simply dismiss the advice/advisor as unhelpful.
How to Meet People Where They Are
The best coaches do not force results out of people or manifest motivation - they help clients understand how to get to where the client wants to be.
Empathy
We can help others and ourselves by leading with empathy. This means taking the time to understand what someone is experiencing, what they would like to experience, and how we can truly help.
Often when we bring up problems to others, one of the first things we are looking for is validation. We want to know our problem is a real problem, that we are justified in struggling with it. This validation is circumvented when we are given dismissals or platitudes, which can drive disconnect and mistrust in a relationship. To avoid this, it’s important to begin with an acknowledgment, like saying “that is a tricky situation,” “that sounds stressful,” or “I’m sorry that’s happening to you.” Employed at the right time, these statements can change someone’s disposition and the entire trajectory of a conversation like a light switch.
Feeling heard and seen, we can open up more and start working on our problems, rather than spending time searching for the assurance that our problems are actually problems in the first place.
Listening
Beyond validation, we are looking for solutions that help us personally. The best solutions for us will match our values.
For coaches, this means that after expressing empathy for the difficult situation, it’s helpful to probe for what the desired outcome might look like for the person. The ideal situation may change over time or not be fully formed yet, but it will uniquely rise from the person looking for it.
Asking Questions
In order to understand where people want to be, we have to ask enough questions to understand where they are and where they want to go. When helping an entrepreneur, if we understand someone wants to build a company for their legacy, we can help them pursue that goal rather than giving them endless material on the quickest paths to IPO, but we can only know to do this if we have asked them what they are looking to accomplish.
When we help others understand their personal values and explore times they are challenged or best utilized, we start to give people the tools to examine their lives and problems through a personalized lens.
For leaders in organizations, this means we do not have to have all the answers even when we feel like we should. We can lift a team by helping them learn to find answers for themselves and asking the right questions. As service providers or consultants, we know the best solutions come when we understand the needs of others, providing guidance and help without forcing a one-size-fits-all solution. In our personal relationships, we can understand each other better and remove the pressure to be helpful if we step back and engage empathetically.
When we help people build tools to help themselves, we transcend the world of giving advice, and we get to the heart of truly helping others.