Cat Got Your Tongue? Let It Keep It
Achieving Human-First Communication with Animals First
3 Unhelpfully Non-Verbal Creatures
The Incident
Maybe I should turn myself into the ASPCA, I thought.
It had been a typical Tuesday up to that point (or typical for my life, anyway). I had worked from home, done some writing, eaten a nice meal, and was playing with our latest batch of foster kittens.
Earlier in the week, in celebration of the summer heat finally arriving, I had gone out to retrieve my trash cans from the street while barefoot. Naturally, this was the time I inadvertently dragged the can over my big toe and proceeded to remove a sizable portion of my toenail in short order.
On Tuesday, I found myself on the floor, pulling strings for one kitten to chase and letting my lap be the arena for a kitten wrestling match between the others. I looked away for a minute and one of the wrestlers managed to fall backwards and roll along my shin. He popped up and, caught up in the moment, grabbed my foot with his tiny claws and bit down on the overly sensitive skin which had previously been covered by my toenail.
For those who have never been around kittens, you should probably know that they can’t retract their needle-like claws and their baby teeth are very small and very sharp.
It turns out being unexpectedly needled under a toenail is surprising and unpleasant. It can cause sudden jerking movements and involuntary yelping sounds you didn’t know you could make.
In my surprise, my leg jerked up as I reached down to get him off my foot as fast as possible, which startled him, causing him to jump up and knock directly into my hand as it flew towards him. Between the impact and my vocal gasp, the kitten ended up puffing out his tail and sprinting away under the couch.
As any pet owner can attest, few things will make you feel as bad as watching the animals under your care sprint away from you in fear. Any time you bump into them, drop a loud pot in the kitchen, or accidentally step on a tail, there’s a moment when you expect Sarah McLachlan to roll a piano out of your closet and begin playing “Arms of an Angel” as you look at your sad creatures.
The Mistakes
The majority of human communication is non-verbal; when you’re trying to communicate with animals, it is 100% non-verbal.
That being said, like an American slowly and loudly repeating themselves to non-English speakers, I was not deterred from trying to convey my apologies to this kitten verbally. And repeatedly.
This was one of several classic communication mistakes I immediately fell into.
I rushed towards the kitten (which is not great for something currently trying to get away from you)
I apologized in a language it couldn’t understand
I tried to pull it out from under the couch to force the understanding that I wanted it to be close. In essence, I put my need to feel better and less guilty ahead of the kitten’s needs for a moment to calm down
I tried to force a quick reconnection because I felt bad
Once I had a moment to reflect on the experience, I realized that these are the same missteps that I have made and witnessed in human conflict. We can rush to try to provide a solution, or apologize profusely when we realize we have made a mistake. We can try to reason our way out with words that the other party is not able or ready to hear. We can feel so uncomfortable in that instance that we try to force a quick resolution to abate our internal dissonance.
It’s important to apologize and reinforce our commitment to a relationship when we make mistakes, but we need to be cognizant of the timing. Our discomfort sometimes needs to be secondary to the situation.
When I paused long enough to assess what had just happened, I realized that I needed to give this kitten a little bit of space to let it relax. Luckily for me, kittens are quick to forget about offenses, so I didn’t have to wait long to make amends.
The Teachings
Because we cannot verbally communicate with animals, our interactions with them provide a unique opportunity to practice and observe how our attitude and demeanor are powerful forms of communication.
As humans, we are far more sensitive to tone than we are to word choice, which is why an insincere apology can not only skip over any actual healing, but it can create even more bad feelings.
Even when we communicate with someone who speaks the same language, we have to be aware of our tone and non-verbal cues if we want to connect with others.
Given there was no shared spoken language where I could attempt to reason with this kitten, I had to be far more deliberate about my communication than I often would be in human relationships.
To gain back his trust and feeling of safety, I needed to:
Change my body language to convey a more relaxed, supportive demeanor
Give him the space to let go of his initial fear reaction so he could relax
Speak in gentle tones, even if the words mean nothing to him, the expressions and softness will translate
Keep my eye on the super-objective of fostering: socializing cats and teaching them to see humans as safe
Affirm that while mistakes happen, the overall feeling between us should be safety and that will require repetitive reinforcement
These tactics and objectives carry over into our human interactions. We will communicate best when we understand what the other party may need, like more time or a softer tone, and we benefit when we keep our eyes on the larger trends. Cats, dogs, kids, and adults are all responsive to the trends of relationships, so we can more easily accept and forgive outbursts and overreactions when we understand there is a foundation of trust and care between us. We will inevitably make mistakes, but as long as we maintain the right trend, we will likely maintain strong relationships.
The Resolution
Domesticated animals are responsive to our emotions and tones, and this allows us to understand and work with the base layer of communication that exists between humans.
When you tread on the relationship between you and animals, there’s no chance to even try the unhelpful platitudes like “it’s not personal, it’s business,” or “just calm down,” and it becomes very clear why these don’t work on humans. We are not reacting to the words, even when we understand them, we are reacting to safety and trust, or lack thereof. Animals provide an immediate opportunity to practice and understand how we convey meaning to others without speaking the same language.
As for the cat, between my changed tactics and the short-lived memory of kittens, he and I were playing again within 15 minutes and have built a more sociable and increasingly close relationship since the incident.
Sarah McLachlan has had to wheel her piano back into the closet and await my next slip up.