It all comes down to who is on the other side

“Listen to Silence. It has so much to say.” - Rumi

“Silence is a source of great strength.” - Lao Tzu

“Distance doesn’t separate people, silence does”. - Unknown

And my favorite one:

“Hello darkness, my old friend” - Simon and Garfunkel

In the past, I have equated silence with darkness and distance. To this day, it can still feel this way, however in the last few years I have learned there is also wisdom and peace in silence.  

So, is silence Deadly or Golden? I say both, depending on (inherently unpredictable) circumstances. One certainty we can rely on is that the person on the receiving end will make the final determination between beneficial and painful.

Deadly

As my friends, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel, sang almost 60 years ago, silence often means darkness. 

For example, this happens when we are “ghosted” - we reach out and no response comes back, as if our communication is lost in the ether.

Or when information is not shared, like during change initiatives at work. This is a leading cause of confusion and change resistance.  It is always better to say, ”we are working on it,” or “we will share details when we have them” rather than not say anything at all.   This is why the number one rule of successful Change Management is Communication, Communication, Communication.  The goal should be to over communicate and do it twice.  Be like GEICO, lots of ads, every few minutes, with different characters and stories.

As Brené Brown explains, the human brain cannot handle the absence of data, so it creates stories to fill in the gaps.   Those stories are very often fed by our fears, therefore they are rarely positive or up-lifting.   They become elaborate dramas designed to prove to us “we are not good enough”,  “we have been rejected (again)”, “we are being abandoned”, “we are going to be alone”, “no one is / will be our friend, partner, co-worker”, “here we go again, having to start from scratch”, “we were forgotten”, “we don’t matter”....   

The longer the silence, the deeper the rabbit hole.   

Are these fears rational?  It doesn’t matter. We will find proof from past experiences when silence was exactly what we feared.  

Why do people stop communicating?  If you know the answer, please tell me because this is a life-long puzzle for me.   

Most likely: life happens, we get busy, we intend to respond and then get interrupted, we want to take time to think through the answer, etc.  Sometimes, we want to create distance, and rather than being open and honest about it, having hard conversations and witnessing the potential pain of the other person, we just ghost.   The pain, however, still exists and it is exponentially magnified by our fears echoing in the silence.  

What does this deadly type of silence cost us?  Trust, connection, reliability, and sometimes entire relationships.   If you ask me, it is never worth it, the cost is too high.

Can we repair breaks in trust, connection, and reliability?  Most times yes, with acknowledgement of the silence created, apologies if necessary, and future actions that show changes in behaviors and empathy towards the person left in the darkness.

Golden

When is silence golden? Think of a room full of kids playing loudly: when they finally quiet down that silence is GOLDEN. 

Silence is truly golden when we practice Deep Listening:

“We think at an average of 900 words a minute.  We hear at an average of 300 words a minute. And, we speak at an average of 150 words a minute”.  - Oscar Trimboli.

Why do these numbers matter?  First of all, it shows that the brain never stops thinking, not even in meditation.  Secondly, we don’t speak fast enough for the listeners, who will fill in the blanks with their own thoughts - and again our brains cannot handle gaps in data.  Thirdly, and most importantly, we end up meaning about 10% of what we want to say.

We have so much information in our brains spinning around like clothes in a washing machine that when something comes out, especially if deeper and more complex, it is hardly ever what we intended.   ”That sounded much better in my head” becomes our go-to expression. 

Deep listening is the skill to help the speaker process the 900 words a minute that are swirling around their heads.  And it is done by allowing for SILENCE.  When someone is speaking, we give them our full attention, we don’t interrupt, and we pause before we speak.  Most times, people will use that pause to elaborate, reflect some more, hear their own words, and clarify.  The listener also has the opportunity to process more of their own washing machine.  We can further help this process by saying things like “Tell me more”, or asking open-ended questions.  

Silence is also golden in meditation. Taking the time away from the busyness of the world to just sit allows us to go within, listen to our thoughts, observe them, and find peace (sometimes).  The more we practice, the more peace and flow we integrate in our lives.  

Meditation has numerous benefits, and it truly gives us a chance to externalize our emotions and thoughts, rather than become them. The more we practice and evaluate the clutter in our brains, the more we catch up to the present rather than endlessly cycling demons from the past. This is our path to “mental inbox zero” as Naval Ravikant would say. 

~~~~

The next time you provide moments of Silence, think of who is on the receiving end and whether they may benefit from it (deep listening, meditation), or suffer from it (being sucked into the rabbit hole of their fears and darkness).  

One of our most basic human needs is to be heard and know that we are not alone. Silence plays a crucial role in both sides of the coin.